‘Don't tase me, bro!'
By now, we've all witnessed the tasering of the University of Florida student after his aggressive and animated questioning of Senator John Kerry at a campus forum last week.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 7:24 PM CDT


Andrew Meyer, who was either hopped up on ecstasy, looking for attention or genuinely apoplectic, asked the former Presidential candidate about his decision not to contest the 2004 election as well as about the possible impeachment of George Bush. Meyer became increasingly agitated and was eventually dragged away by security guards, who zapped him with a taser to try to subdue him. Meyer was heard issuing a plea to security to “Don't tase me, bro!” (This is sure to be a popular request at T-Shirt shops over the next few months)

As expected, this event spawned a rush to the microphones by the usual cast of bloviators and gasbag pontificators eager to enlighten us with their judgments.
Rush Limbaugh: My friends, this maggot-infested freedom-hater got just what he deserved. Ironic that he was harassing a fellow freedom-hater at the time. In fact, tasing is too good for him. It's a waste of good electricity, though any use of electricity sends my Halliburton stock up. I say send this fellow to Guantanamo Bay.

No, wait, that's still too good for him. Handcuff him, chain him to a brick wall, slap a pair of headphones on him and pipe in a continuous loop of my most impassioned lectures on liberty. He needs the fresh air of freedom forced upon him! Just ask the Iraqis. He'll thank me for it later!

Sean Hannity: My mind is usually untroubled by nuance or anything less than unexamined certitude, but I'm torn on this one. I've got a left-wing wacko being subdued by law-and-order cops. Shouldn't I love this?

Yet, this fellow was attacking John Kerry, a known liberal and all around bad man. Plus, I'm supposed to be a freedom-lover and yet this poor Meyer fellow was apparently being denied his rights. On the other hand, he says words like “bro,” which makes him scum in my book.

Oh, I hate having to think about things! My head hurts. Alan, what about you on this matter.

Alan Colmes: Bro, I'm as confused as you are.
Bill O'Reilly: This jerk thinks he can just talk over people and hurl epithets? He thinks he can just dominate the dialogue, issue threats and try to intimidate? Somebody give this fellow a show on FOX!

Nancy Grace: Andrew, I'd just like to apologize on behalf of all Americans for the outrageous treatment you received. If we can't scream and shout and be in a state of quivering, sanctimonious outrage 26 hours a day, nine days a week, then this is no longer the America I grew up loving.

Seizing on the American dream of cashing in on infamy and notoriety, Meyers himself took to the airways, making the rounds of several talk shows, including Larry King, Live, Anderson Cooper and, of course, Oprah.

Larry King: Andrew, describe in precise detail the physical discomfort associated with being tasered. Don't leave out a thing.

Andrew Meyer: Dude, I've still got volts running through me. Feel this Š

Larry King: Yo-o-o-o-o-w-w-w! Easy, Andrew, don't forget my pacemaker.

AM: My bad, bro.

Larry King: One other question, I read where you've had laser surgery. How do lasers compare with tasers? And how's your vision now?

Anderson Cooper: Andrew, looking back at your behavior, any regrets?

Andrew Meyer: Not really. Sure, I wish I could walk into a room without tripping the circuit breakers. But I'm having a surge protector put in under my left arm.

AC: Interesting. How do they do that?

AM: Surge-ically. Get it, bro? No, actually, this incident is really paying off for me. I've got a book coming out on Amazon.com next week, called “Shock and Ow-w-w-w-w!” And my own talkshow on 103.7 The Buzz. Plus, I've got the movie deal and that gig on American Idol next month.

AC: Everyone wants to know: What song have you chosen?

AM: ‘Tazed and Confused,' by Led Zap-lin.'

Oprah: Andrew, some people claim you staged this entire event, that you're nothing more than a shameless exhibitionist Š Mr. Meyer, I'm going to have to ask you to please put your pants back on!

Kelly Fenton is a columnist for The Daily Citizen.